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Gray World Daily – An Unofficial Part of the Phil Hendrie Universe » Featured, Jeff Dowder » Controlling Pet Populations with Tasers

Controlling Pet Populations with Tasers

My background is in mechanical physics, but I’ve got a fellow researcher and friend, Toby Bo, who works in biotechnology. Sometimes on Friday nights after work we like to get a little crazy, you know, smoke a little herb, drink a little Bud, and play some practical jokes on each other. On a Friday last September we were doing just that when our friend Todd, who works as a bouncer at the Rusty Pelican stopped by after his shift. I was in the bathroom, draining the weasel, when unknown to me Toby asked to borrow the stun gun Todd keeps on his belt to subdue drunk customers. I come out, round the corner, and Toby presses the stun gun into my nads and pulls the trigger. I go to the floor screaming, and they’re just laughing like a couple of hyenas. I’m still sore four days later so I go in to the health clinic and the doc suggests I do a fertility test just to make sure everything is working right. The test comes back the next day and all my little guys are fried, nobody’s swimming anywhere. The doc says there’s nothing he can do but it might be temporary so I had to start going back every month to repeat the test. Finally after six months my guys start doing their thing again. I couldn’t be too made at Toby, this wasn’t as bad as what I’d done to him a few years ago.

A few months later Toby and I were talking about how crazy it all was, and I joked that if he could zap me into sterility, why couldn’t we zap the stray cat who hangs out under our porch so she’d stop having kittens. And then we thought, if that’d work, couldn’t they do that with all pets to humanely stop the overpopulation problem? To get the hard to reach animals you could use those Tasers that fire the electrified darts.

Toby and I are applying for some grants to get the research funding to do a clinical trial on various domestic and wild animals.

Jeff Dowder

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One Response to "Controlling Pet Populations with Tasers"

  1. Halex says:

    Great piece, Jeff. I was wondering…Does it matter where they are tasered? Should I reach for their reproductive organs? Is just one zap enough? I have a 2 month old puppy, and I was wondering how soon they could be tasered into sterility.

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