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Safety Tips for College Ladies

Every few months for the last ten years we here at the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police have been invited to various local colleges to put on women’s safety seminars.  The hour long seminars myself and Major Elvis Newton provide are designed to help reduce the disproportionate incidence of crimes committed against these fine girls.  We’ve been asked back year and year again because our seminars are effective.  But all our progress is now being threatened by the recent backlash against these safety seminars designed for women.  Unfortunately there was an incident recently in Toronto where one of their Canadian constables conducting a safety seminar touched upon some of our copyrighted “Leave a Little Something” curriculum without the proper training and as a result holy hell was raised by a bunch of wacko radical feminists looking to promote their own agendas at the  risk of these tender girl’s lives.  These women’s groups are denouncing seminars like ours and organizing rallies they call “SlutWalk” all around the world, encouraging women to wear skimpy, seductive clothes and go out into the night shaking their money maker looking for trouble.  All this unfavorable press and unnecessary focus on safety seminars made three of our regular colleges cancel their upcoming safety seminars.  We at the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police are not going to stand for it any more.  Unable to spread the word direct to our girls any more, we’re going to publish an overview of our tips here in this post.

Our seminars are broken into four separate fifteen minute segments:

  • Don’t go there.
  • Get buzzed not blitzed.
  • Leave a little something to the imagination.
  • Blue bells not blue balls.

If we were sharing this information in a classroom each segment would include a power point presentation with relevant stats as well as several scenarios acted out by myself and Major Newton to recreate the various situations women can find themselves in and how they should respond.  In this article we’ll just give you a bird’s eye view of each.

Don’t Go There

Women have come a long way in the last fifty years.  But sometimes that can go to your heads.  Just because you have the right to go everywhere doesn’t mean you should.  We staked out various locations over a six month period to study what the risk factors were, and by compiling our observations, with surveys of people at those locations, with police blotters, we’ve come up with a list of the fifteen most dangerous locations for women.

We urge all women to stay away from these locations:

10. Poorly lit parking lots, after 7 PM.
9. Public parks, after 5 PM.
8. House parties with fewer than 10 people.
7. Sail boats.
6. Offices / work after hours.
5. Pool halls, if your friends would rate your looks higher than 7 out of 10.
4. Empty stair wells.
3. Adult book stores after 9 PM at night.
2. Public buses.
1. Gentlemen’s dorm rooms or off-campus apartments after 10 PM.

If you must go these locations, we urge you to go in the company of at least two other females, or one male.

Get Buzzed Not Blitzed

Everybody in college likes to have a good time.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  A little drink or two can help ease the burden of an overly strict or Catholic upbringing  But it’s important that you know your own limit .  If you’re looking for a quality gentlemen, he won’t appreciate your being drunk.  You’ll only attract the lecherous ones.  And we don’t think you want that.  So, we urge you to get buzzed, not blitzed.  Have no more than one drink every hour, one every two hours if you’re on your period.

Leave a Little Something to the Imagination

We urge women to exercise restraint in dress.  Numerous studies have shown that men are very visual creatures and you’ll find that putting it all out there for everyone to see won’t make you very popular for long.  It’ll give people the wrong idea, and get some men’s motors started.  We recommend avoiding tight fitting clothing or anything that accentuates the chest or posterior.  We don’t want you gals to look like you’re in the Taliban, but you’ll be safer if you look like you’re going to church and not the beach.

Blue Bells, not Blue Balls

We sometimes hate to admit it, but men are still biologically ready to be hunters and seek out prey.  Once we are put onto the scent it can be hard to pull us off.  So, ladies, please don’t tease us.  Not all men have the practiced restraint of Citizen’s Auxiliary Police officers.  We understand that flirtation can sometimes get out of control, and in those situations we remind you that you can manually de-escalate the situation, without risk of disease.


If you love your college aged daughters we urge you to urge their schools to reject the feminist agenda of SlutWalk and protect your children from dangerous situations.

General Jay Santos

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One Response to "Safety Tips for College Ladies"

  1. Sammy says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me after I was raped. I love him so much, but it’s all my fault. I went out clubbing and my skirt was really short, I asked my mom if it was too short and she said I could just put bikini bottoms underneath. Slutwalks only know one thing about rape, and thats getting some.

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