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Gray World Daily – An Unofficial Part of the Phil Hendrie Universe » Featured, Jay Santos » We Need Kill Switches that Can Really Kill

We Need Kill Switches that Can Really Kill

wp_shockphoneThis week Apple announced they plan to include kill switches on their new phones running iOS 7.  We here at the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police are gratified that our work tirelessly campaigning the cell phone companies has paid off, but it still doesn’t go nearly far enough.  Making the phones useless is an important first step, but the only way people will stop stealing phones is if they know that the phone they stole just might kill them (or at least mess them up pretty good).  The threat of deadly force is a potent deterrent!  It’s protected homes, it’s protected citizens in their cars, it’s protected little old women walking their dogs through ethnic neighborhoods.  We have the technology, it’s time we use it.

Major Elvis Newton led the tests we conducted at our command center (his garage), and we found that even drained to 50% the 1000 mAh remaining in the battery of your average smart phone packs enough of a punch for one potent take down shocks, and, if unheeded, one lethal shock.  We will never forget his kitty, Tumbles, for her participation in these important experiments.

The proposal we have put forward to cell phone manufacturers and networks is a potent strategy for safely and effectively ensuring these phones are returned to their rightful owners and if not that the perps who steal them are taken down.  We reveal our proposed procedure publicly now for the first time.

Kill Switch Operational Protocol

  1. We are contacted through our website by a user who previously installed our Citizen’s Auxiliary Patrol iOS or Android app.  He or she can report their phone either lost or stolen.
  2. Major Elvis Newton or Subcommander Davis Billingsly are immediately notified (Major Elvis Newton has league nights on Mondays) and accesses the phone.  The device secretly goes into stealth observer mode, beaming back its location, the video from its cameras, and the audio from its microphone.  While our commanders monitor the audio/video for any irregularities they also search through the user’s personal photos and videos to build up a profile of the owner so that they can be properly identified or excluded from the live video feed they are viewing.  Any inappropriate material is retrieved and stored for the user’s security and any collateral policing.
  3. If our observations support the owner’s contention that the phone is merely lost we notify the user of its present location and they are responsible for collecting it.
  4. If our observations indicate that the phone is stolen we go immediately to Step 5.
  5. An alarm is sounded and a recorded message is broadcast via the speaker of the phone: “Stop! This is the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police.  The voice you are about to hear is that of Major Elvis Newton.  ’You are in possession of stolen property.  You are advised to make arrangements for the phone’s safe return within the next 15 minutes.  If you do not know who the original owner was or cannot contact them we advise you to turn the phone it at the nearest police station, fire house, post office, or 7-11.  Failure to comply with this directive will be met with harsh punishment.  That is all.”
  6. The phone continues to be monitored and if any attempt is made to switch off the phone or remove the battery cover a Level 1 electrocution order is issued and applied.  This incapacitating shock is extremely painful but not strong enough to render the thief unconscious for a period of more than 45 seconds.  When we detect the thief has woken up up a further alarm and message is broadcast, “Stop!  This is the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police.  You have violated the principle of good conduct and sportsmanship.  We are proceeding to Step 8.  Stay tuned.”
  7. Our sophisticated computer tracking system continues to monitor the phone and its motion towards any of the aforementioned drop off zones.  If the perp does the right thing and turns in the phone we silently tip our caps to him and the matter is closed.  We notify the owner and it’s up to them to collect their phone.  If the they fail to comply, Step 8.
  8. We’re firmly committed to observing the law of these here United States, and we do not believe in engaging in extra-legal actions, however morally justifiable we feel they may be.  We recognize that we are not authorized to issue a Level 10 kill order at this time.  All we can do is engage the Level 10 initiation, which enables a button on our website’s interface whereby the original owner may, if they so choose, execute the Level 10 kill order.  We have no control over that any more.  We just notify the user, apprise them of the situation, and leave the matter in their hands; their actions and the legal consequences which flow from them are nothing to do with us.  If a Level 10 order happens to be issued our system automatically notifies the appropriate medical and police services in that area to converge on the location of the phone.


We hope you’ll agree that this is a safe and effective way to reduce the rampant crime associated with unsecured phones, and that you’ll write to your senators and congressmen and ask them to support what we hope will soon be pending legislation.  Thank you for your time.

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