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Gray World Daily – An Unofficial Part of the Phil Hendrie Universe » Featured, Jay Santos » Faith Identification Cheek Swab Now Being Deployed

Faith Identification Cheek Swab Now Being Deployed

wp_swab_2wp_swabKeeping the public safe means taking a peek around and asking a few questions.  Sometimes we don’t like the answers we get.  We especially don’t like liars.  They pollute our nation and make the job of policing all that much harder.  If we ask you a simple question, we expect a simple answer.  When we’re not satisfied with the answer we get we take things to the next level.

With the Boston Bombings a too recent memory and the constant need to identify the radicalized Muslims from the run-of-the-mill Muslim, we here at the Citizen’s Auxiliary Police in conjunction with California Biodyne Labs Inc. developed the Ready-Quick Faith Identification Swab ™.  In as little as 30 seconds you’ll know if you’re toe-to-toe with a radical Muslim, a regular Muslim, a Christian, or even a Hindu.

Our swabs correctly identify Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and Hindus 94.8% of the time.  For historical reasons and owing to some court injunctions which are still being resolved we do not currently identify people of the Jewish persuasion, they will simply be listed as “Others” (along with atheists, agnostics, and Wiccans).

How does our test work?  Major Elvis Newton, Rear Admiral Ed Holloway, and Staff General Rick Timmons worked with California Biodyne Labs and developed a series of faith-based chemical profiles as well as a radicalization bodily-secretion index.  Our boys went with researchers to local ethnic communities and voluntarily collected cheek swabs from persons as part of a combined bone marrow drive and ethnograph study.  The various chemicals detected via spectrograph was then cross-tabulated with the anonymous survey cards the donors submitted.  Once we had the chemical profiles developed we also conducted some in house trials to detect human secretions related to radical ideologies; we did not have any radical Muslims at hand but we were able to substitute with some radical feminists we knew, some fundamentalist Christians cousins of mine, a couple of Mormons who stopped by during a Citizen’s Auxiliary Patrol meeting, and a Seventh-Day Adventists whose car broke down and needed a jump start.

Our swabs look for the following markers to indicate faith and radical-ness:

  1. We test for the presence of certain trace amino acids which are common to foods popular with people of the various religions.  If they’ve eaten any such food within 24 – 48 hours we’ll detect it, that’s how long it takes for the tainted skin cells to shed.  Even good brushing and flossing can’t hide their beliefs from us.
  2. We test for various common alcohols.  We can pretty reliably pick out your Irish Catholic and his whiskey from your lapsed Hindu and his Kingfisher beer.  No alcohol detected?  That’s a red flag.
  3. We test for traces of certain religious oils used in rituals by the more devout.  The oils they breath make their way into the olfactory glands and can be picked up in the cells of the cheek, just like the way the TSA looks for gunpowder residue in your luggage.
  4. We test for oral acidity, our radical-ness study showed that the more nervous you are the more you secrete betaglaminon which raises your mouth’s acidity well above normal.
  5. And lastly in case the initial tests weren’t definitive, we get a sample of their DNA which we can process in as little as 24 hours with our DNA sequencer that is able to identify 162 genes common to the major religions.  DNA can’t tell us if you’re a practicing or lapsed Catholic, but combined with the above tests, we’re pretty sure we’ll have you pegged.  To aid law enforcement we keep our subjects’ data on file for 36 months, just in case something blows up later.


But we can’t protect the world alone. We need your help.  We ask that you write to your local police department and ask them to step into the 21st century and order our Ready-Quick Faith Identification Swab ™ Kit.  And meanwhile we’ll keep peeking our heads over their shoulders and doing what they haven’t got the guts to do.

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